Top recent posts by Internet Weirdos on Bluesky

this would be a huge loss if they paid taxes

This Wall Street Journal headline might be the thing that breaks me

Imagine declaring “adolf!” to a round of applause and then gunfire

Why don’t they just encase President Trump in 7-inch thick glass and wheel him around to events.

Building the ballroom is the most pressing national priority of the United States, there is literally nothing more important.

yes @jd-vance-1.bsky.social is notoriously a democrat

you know what, it was my fault for having a phone

he’s still going!

years ago someone tweeted that Evangelion is about being such a virgin that you accidentally destroy the word and FLCL is about being such a chad that you accidentally save it and someone asked what is Kill la Kill about and someone else said "ass and tiddies" I still think about this often

Proctology is located in A55

I CHEWS VIOLINS

sharing a cigarette with my dog

Uhh yeah, he's a boxer... Do you report every time LeBron James shoots a basketball?

Sorry your boyfriend thinks cunnilingus was a Roman emperor.

FISH COP: do you know why I pulled you under

do you think Amelia still would have been a pilot if her last name was Landhart

Well I just think if science was real, taking a bath would also clean the tub

People who questioned why we needed a ball pit are curiously quiet this week.

Wilco wants you to relax

Darling Nikki: *straight up cranking it in a hotel lobby* Prince: This seems like a cool and normal person to chill with

well tomorrow i have my initial appointment to start playing the mystery game of "what's that lump in my underboob?" since my right tiddy apparently doesn't wanna wait til after i turn 40 in a few months for all this nonsense.

And then one day you realise that your kids are getting home from their night out just as you’re waking up for your early morning pee and you’ll find yourself wondering what the fuck just happened.

“When you get caught between the moon and New York City” is my favorite song lyric describing orbital decay and the catastrophic collision of celestial objects.

Types of tables, in order of preference: 1. Turntable 2. Table of Contents 3. Coffee Table 4. Table Tennis 5. Periodic Table 6. Multiplication Tables 7. Kiddie Table 8. Uncomfortable

Some of you don't interact and so don't start now.

[at the mall] ME: i need to get upstairs right away MALL COP: take the escalator ME: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

gonna cosplay as charlie bucket’s grandpa today and sleep in my kitchen

mondays make you feel uneasy bc they’re haunted

i just took a dna test turns out i have dna and it’s all there and in order. the doctor said “yup, you tested positive for dna. that’s dna alright make no mistake about it you got a lot of dna” so i guess i have dna now, like an official diagnosis of dna.

just found out there's a Butthole Cut of Michael where they all have realistic CGI buttholes

I am not wearing the right underpants to be experiencing this level of alienation.

It’s so weird how it’s Old Guy Day everywhere I go now

One thing about GenX we do not fuck with black holes, quicksand, hot lava, or piranha

an apparatus is just a gadget that went to grad school

but only i can prevent forest fires your honor

Melatonin to fight the day's caffeine. Caffeine to fight the night's melatonin.

Me: the Swamp of Dreams looks less murky today. Wizard who is my boss: you’re not going home early.

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

me: why does smashing your eyeballs feel so good? my gynecologist: what

I just emailed my landlord to request he install a ballroom in my apartment since there are no security guards on the premises

“I'm not a rapist. I didn't rape anybody.”

let me teabag you with some knowledge

it’s honestly offensive to consider cops in the realm of first responder & you say nothing of any relief for those who work with the same people as the cops while unarmed & in therapeutic means that’s been proven to reduce criminogenic recidivism along with overall public & social costs

eyeglasses that scan your retinas and adjust to your prescription

humoring bad people is a bad thing that is bad for society writ large and we need to knock it off

Let's sit together and pop. I got bubble wrap.

You have to be careful getting into a hobby. It makes you forget no one else cares about your dumb bullshit.

Calling for talk show hosts to be fired when the Director of the FBI is a drunk is so typical

i still think a “break room” where you can beat the shit out of easily re-moldable clay busts of people like elon and don would be a lucrative business venture but i don’t have the startup capital. if anyone does this gimme 2%.

Bring your mom out for Mother’s Day Brunch, 50% off our buffet and we’ll help you find a new dad in the Nickel Slot Cabaret

getting radicalized by the discover feed

brings to mind the commercial for an ai agent with a young woman farmer talking about how she is uploading decades of hand written family farming info so it can analyze, recommend, and make charts and plans for her. And it’s like congrats you’ve just lost the thread. What happens when that goes away

All it takes is a good guy with a ballroom to stop a bad guy with a ballroom

What should I have for lunch if not the culmination of all my fears?

The more people I have to talk to in a day I realize why I’m not a fan of people.

gets better:

a book of short stories about the appendix, the coccyx, & wisdom teeth called Vestigial Tales somebody write that down

i'm performing this weekend (April 30 - May 2) at the Punch Line in Sacramento with Bobcat Goldthwait, a genuine comedy superhero

i used to get hit by the pitch a lot in little league which is normally not an issue but this was t-ball

okay im ready

seal: but did you know that when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can’t be seen? seal’s gf: wtf does that even mean seal

Things used to be a certain number of years old. Now they're even older than that. Who is to blame for this

pretty indescribable, the experience of having a whole masters degree in writing while people make excuses to use AI. so you’re saying the work is too hard for you to do, but also not worth doing well. just clicking buttons and regurgitating garbage while craft is ignored, skillsets abandoned. wild.

me: i posted a banger at 6:00am but it didn’t slap & now im questioning why im even on sosh my gynecologist: what

ah, there it is; cue the pyrotechnics & fly in from the top rope for that political capital girly bop

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, "Would you still think I'm cuddly without skin?"

good morning specifically to people who have never had any reason to say “I am not a pedophile”

more dinners should be disrupted then

good night, moon fuck you, sun

Bagpipes sound like an instrument invented during an argument.

Here's a helpful guide on this issue for anyone who needs it

I try to pretend I like people I don’t, but my face always betrays me as I listen to them talk.

As a leg man, I can’t confidently say how I would feel about you as a worm

the people have developed false flag fatigue lol even if this one wasn’t, the combination cry wolf & many of the least credible conspiracy dipshits being the “🚨 #BREAKING” report posters already has the historically most ardent supporters even questioning this shit now

Enough violence and division , arrest the president

I'd let you dip your biscotti in my coffee..slow wink.

when oh when will @whstancil.bsky.social pump the brakes on that 2011 honda fit of radicalization?

guys let's start our day

President Trump would be equally if not more safe in the protective custody unit of a maximum security prison.

edible complex? sounds delightful

@mcsweeneys.net already covered this.

if I ever say I’m not that into corn dogs you’ll know my account has been hacked

I wish I was one of those people who can’t sit still. I can sit very still and for a long time

The paper is so bad in the ladies room at my office that someone very clearly decided it was BYOTP and stocked it

The Running of the Bullshitters

TRUMP SUPPORTERS: Jimmy Kimmel should be fired for making a Donald Trump death joke ALSO TRUMP SUPPORTERS: [burn effigies of Obama, mock the death of Democrat lawmaker Melissa Hortman, make homophobic jokes about the attack on Nancy Pelosi’s husband Paul, make dementia jokes about Joe Biden]

lmao

What if you started shitting avocados? Which people would you trust enough to tell? Those people are your Avocado Defecation Family.

how much you wanna bet that kid rock is going to have a special job in the administration before the end of the year? my money’s on something inside the pentagon.

[1978] the dad: what should we name him? Donald? James? Joseph? Arthur? the mom: yes

ME: did you know that a sea is actually part of the oshean WIFE: ocean has a C in it ME: i literally just said that linda

my corn dogs bring everyone to the yard I don’t discriminate

What’s your favorite thing to do? Mine’s doing your mom

… democrats are capitalists though (like they love capitalism)

there should be a hockey player whose last name is puppy

I think the Republicans are really onto something in rebranding themselves as the Ballroom Party at this political moment.

if eve was was a gen alpha teen she would have bullied that snake until he left the garden of eden in tears

Women were not allowed to open bank accounts in the 1970’s in North America without a man’s permission. Up until the 2000’s violence against women wasn’t taken seriously, and today women still aren’t properly protected from their abusers. Feminism is so important.

gentlemen what’s keeping you from dressing like this